She Just Got Married Blog
What does the old saying "all's fair in love and war" mean? The most succinct definition I came across simply states: "People in love and soldiers in wartime are not bound by the rules of fair play." And how do people in love and soldiers at war get thrown onto the same proverbial battle field?
What are we fighting about?
Google "the art of the argument" and you will find 37,600,000 different references to that exact subject. Seems there's quite a bit of bickering going on!
Google "long lasting marriage". Want to take a guess on how many references there are on that subject? I'll tell you exactly how many.....1,670,000.
Do the math. No, skip the math and let's think about why people are writing and searching for ways to argue more efficiently 37 times more often than how to create a long lasting marriage?
In an article I recently came across called "How to Love Better" the first 7 steps addressed the subject of communication. **Note that 4 of the 7 focused on 'arguing'. Actually you could say 5 out of 7 is you include step #3...Tough It Out.**
- Listen. Show your partner that you're engaged by actively listening. Reaffirm what your partner is saying by summarizing what you have heard.
- Talk. One way conversation is not effective communication. In order to show that you are invested in the relationship, be willing to give of yourself emotionally and mentally, by sharing your thoughts and needs.
- Tough it out. During uncomfortable or difficult conversations, tough it out. Regardless of the topic or how much you hate talking about it, finish the discussion. If the problem is not resolved, it will fester in other areas of your relationship.
- Argue Effectively. Two intelligent individuals cannot agree on everything, all the time, no matter how compatible they may be. Sooner or later there will be something that leads to an argument or a difference of opinion. This should not be viewed as a problem. The important thing is how such arguments are handled. Here are a few rules that will help you to deal with arguments in a positive way.
- Keep your arguments private, between you and your partner only. Avoid having arguments in front of family members or friends.
- Never go to bed angry. Settle every argument before going to sleep if at all possible. Stay up late if necessary. It is best to get things settled and not let them fester for days.
- Do not allow arguments to escalate into shouting matches and name-calling. Even if you are in complete privacy, keep the tone natural and as friendly as possible. Consider who you are talking to and avoid any shouting or unpleasantness.
But does a 'long lasting marriage' equal a fulfilled marriage? I know several couples who have crossed the 40 year anniversary mark (a long lasting marriage in anyone's book today!) but to say they are role models for a fulfilled relationship would be a real stretch. In fact, many of them seem to just be coexisting and basically 'toughing it out'. Not my idea of happy or fulfilled.
So I decided to Google 'how to have a fulfilling marriage'. Good news - seems this subject is almost twice as popular as 'long lasting marriage'....
2,520,000 results. A huge relief, right?
Well, that still puts arguing at least 15 times more popular than fulfilling. Perhaps it's because this 'art' of arguing covers all types of relationships....work, political, societal, etc. So, to be fair, I went back to Google and searched "the art of arguing in marriage".
HALLELUJAH - only 16,500,000 results! Are you reading that number right? Sixteen MILLION!!
As we move ever so close to the end of 2010 many of us will begin the infamous "New Year's Resolutions". What if we resolved to shift our focus from HOW to argue amicably to how to love more deeply?
I have a sign hanging in my bathroom that says "it's not what you look at....it's what you see". Can you still see the beautiful person you fell so deeply in love with or are you too busy figuring out how to win an argument?
But this story has a happy ending. I also Googled "the art of love". 349,000,000 results. Maybe all isn't fair in love and war but in the end.....love wins!!
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